Sustenance

The man declares, I am weary, O God;
I am weary, O God, and worn out.
Surely I am too stupid to be a man.
I have not the understanding of a man.
I have not learned wisdom,
nor have I knowledge of the Holy One. (Proverbs 30:1-3)

I felt it. The overload, the depression, the fogginess. My brain was going to explode, but I couldn’t stop studying. I felt like I had plunged myself on a 100mph highway with no exits or pull-overs. You might call it an obsession. I felt so disconnected from everything. All my studies were depressing: from Macbeth, to Bolshevism, to Hitler.

Thankfully something broke up this awful regime. Today is one of my close friend’s birthday. So another friend and I drove down to visit her. Though we must be running on adrenaline, I feel refreshed already. I can’t study. I have to loosen up about it and just accept it. My friend lives on 62 beautiful acres of wilderness in southern Ohio. The three of us went for a drive today, just to drive. I enjoyed this kind of driving: the dirt backroads, stopping occasionally to catch a view from the top of a ridge, looking down on the fields and woods, and the huge sky.

We visited an old graveyard, and we had a photo-shoot on top of a line of hay-rolls. We laughed and kicked our shoes off, enjoying the earthy smell of the hay, and feeling the wind against our backs.

It was around this time that I realized the meaning of the word sustenance. It’s not being fed until you’re satisfied, but it’s the grace that’s given daily: the little ounce of strength or refreshment that resets your mind and your soul, and puts you into a new perspective. It’s the grace that gets you by, just enough. Never too much. Never too little.

Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to mebefore I die:
Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
lest I be full and deny you
and say, “Who is the LORD?”
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God. (Psalm 30:7-9)

Tired as I am, this break from my studies and every day life has reset my focus. I can’t really imagine myself returning to school with vigour and excitement, but I will feel refreshed: no longer closed in by death and socialism and governments and countries falling apart. There’s something refreshing in having a clear mind. And I certainly have one.

I have been sustained. Not filled, but given enough grace to persevere. I have had a chance to get out from behind the pages of a book and enjoy the sun filtering through my skin, the wide sky, the lofty hay-rolls. I am enjoying the love and fellowship of friends I love dearly. I have been experiencing more of the important things in life, and for that, I am grateful.

(All photo credits to Rachel Clarke @ Photographie is Felicite)

4 thoughts on “Sustenance”

Great read. I know PRECISELY how you feel wheny you say “no longer closed in by death, socialism, governments.” There have been times when I’ve learned some ominous things, and it really just sucks the vigor out of life when one sees how much of a grip Satan has on the world. But, you are so right, Ruby, God will “feed us with a food needful for us.” Amen to that.

That last picture of you, Rach, and Ashley is a keeper. What a lovely image. Kate put it on her blog, and I commented. But I just have to comment again. Your three faces are just radiant.

The panorama is also great. Now, I have to chuckle when you say “Southern Ohio.” Girl, we’re still in the northern half you know! ;-)

Let Hitler go this week Ruby. Revel in the gorgeous March air with your friends. I liked this post a lot.

Aww! I’m so glad that you’re doing better m’dear!

This was so encouraging Ruby! I have been feeling exactly the way you described at the beginning of the post, but now I feel refreshed after reading this!! :) :)