The man declares, I am weary, O God;
I am weary, O God, and worn out.
Surely I am too stupid to be a man.
I have not the understanding of a man.
I have not learned wisdom,
nor have I knowledge of the Holy One. (Proverbs 30:1-3)
I felt it. The overload, the depression, the fogginess. My brain was going to explode, but I couldn’t stop studying. I felt like I had plunged myself on a 100mph highway with no exits or pull-overs. You might call it an obsession. I felt so disconnected from everything. All my studies were depressing: from Macbeth, to Bolshevism, to Hitler.
Thankfully something broke up this awful regime. Today is one of my close friend’s birthday. So another friend and I drove down to visit her. Though we must be running on adrenaline, I feel refreshed already. I can’t study. I have to loosen up about it and just accept it. My friend lives on 62 beautiful acres of wilderness in southern Ohio. The three of us went for a drive today, just to drive. I enjoyed this kind of driving: the dirt backroads, stopping occasionally to catch a view from the top of a ridge, looking down on the fields and woods, and the huge sky.
We visited an old graveyard, and we had a photo-shoot on top of a line of hay-rolls. We laughed and kicked our shoes off, enjoying the earthy smell of the hay, and feeling the wind against our backs.
It was around this time that I realized the meaning of the word sustenance. It’s not being fed until you’re satisfied, but it’s the grace that’s given daily: the little ounce of strength or refreshment that resets your mind and your soul, and puts you into a new perspective. It’s the grace that gets you by, just enough. Never too much. Never too little.
Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to mebefore I die:
Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
lest I be full and deny you
and say, “Who is the LORD?”
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God. (Psalm 30:7-9)
Tired as I am, this break from my studies and every day life has reset my focus. I can’t really imagine myself returning to school with vigour and excitement, but I will feel refreshed: no longer closed in by death and socialism and governments and countries falling apart. There’s something refreshing in having a clear mind. And I certainly have one.
I have been sustained. Not filled, but given enough grace to persevere. I have had a chance to get out from behind the pages of a book and enjoy the sun filtering through my skin, the wide sky, the lofty hay-rolls. I am enjoying the love and fellowship of friends I love dearly. I have been experiencing more of the important things in life, and for that, I am grateful.
(All photo credits to Rachel Clarke @ Photographie is Felicite)